THE JOICEVILLE GAZETTE

“All the News That’s Fit to Print (and Some That Probably Isn’t)”

Vol. 87, No. 42 — Your Hometown Paper Since 1939 — Proudly Sponsored by Blind Corp: “Building a Stronger Tomorrow, Today!”

FENCE FEUD ON WATERFRONT DRIVE TAKES BIZARRE TURN AFTER “SOMETHING” SURFACES IN HARBOR

By Marjorie Plimpton, Staff Writer & Bake Sale Correspondent

JOICEVILLE, N.C. — What began as a garden-variety property line dispute between two of Waterfront Drive’s most stubborn residents has spiraled into the strangest story this reporter has covered since the Great Pie Incident of 2019 — and yes, Carol, we are still not over the pie.

For eleven years, Harold Beasley, 67, and his neighbor Doreen Wicks, 64, have feuded over a four-foot stretch of cedar fencing that Mr. Beasley insists sits “a full eight inches” onto his property. Ms. Wicks maintains the fence is exactly where her late husband Gerald put it, “and Gerald never did anything wrong in his life except marry into the Wicks family.”

The dispute escalated last Tuesday when Mr. Beasley, armed with a county surveyor’s map and what witnesses described as “an unreasonable amount of confidence,” began removing fence posts at approximately 9:40 p.m. That’s when, both parties now agree, things got weird.

“The water went quiet,” Mr. Beasley told the Gazette, his hands trembling around a cup of coffee at the Super Awesome Diner. “Not calm. Quiet. Like the bay was holding its breath. Then the post I was pulling — the ground around it just… sighed. And out there past the dock, something came up out of the water that wasn’t a fish, wasn’t a log, and sure as heck wasn’t Gerald’s fence.”

Ms. Wicks, who witnessed the event from her kitchen window while “absolutely not spying,” corroborated the account with uncharacteristic agreement. “It had too many of something. I couldn’t tell you what. Arms, maybe. Opinions. It looked at Harold — and I want to be clear, I have wished many things upon Harold over the years — and even I thought, no, not like that.”

Both neighbors report that the entity regarded them for “somewhere between four seconds and the rest of our lives” before sliding soundlessly back beneath the surface. The disputed fence post, witnesses confirm, was left standing perfectly upright, eight inches further onto Mr. Beasley’s property than before.

The feud, for the record, is over. Mr. Beasley and Ms. Wicks have since installed a shared porch swing facing away from the water.

Officials Respond

Sheriff’s deputies responding to the scene found no evidence of any creature, though one deputy noted the harbor water near the Beasley dock was “unusually still” and “frankly rude about it.”

Reached for comment, Blind Corp Community Relations Liaison Tabitha Quill issued the following statement: “Blind Corp is aware of reports of so-called ‘unusual marine activity’ near Waterfront Drive. Our scientists have thoroughly reviewed the situation and determined it was most likely a manatee, a weather balloon, or a manatee carrying a weather balloon. Joiceville’s waters remain safe, normal, and extremely regular. Please do not photograph the water after dusk. This is for the water’s privacy.”

Ms. Quill also reminded residents that Blind Corp’s complimentary water testing program continues every Thursday, and that participation, while voluntary, “is noticed.”

Longtime resident and diner cook Jimmy “Sizzlin’ Jim” Cooks, who has previously voiced colorful opinions about Blind Corp on local radio, declined to comment beyond pointing at the bay, then at the Blind Corp tower, then back at the bay, several times, until this reporter left.

Local Color

Old Man Grady, who declined to give a first name, a last name, or any indication of which one “Grady” is, was found smoking on the public dock near the sighting and offered the Gazette this exclusive insight: “Water’s got a long memory. Longer than fences. Longer than Beasleys.” He then put out his cigarette in a way that did not produce smoke, sound, or any visible motion, and we elected to conclude the interview.

COMMUNITY CALENDAR & NOTICES

• HARBOR ADVISORY: The Harbor Master’s office reports that fishing charters out of Port 5 are suspended until further notice, citing what the posted memo describes only as “dead water” conditions past the breakwater. Bait shop clerk Derek Furman told the Gazette, “I don’t know anything, I just watch people fail to park boats.” When asked to elaborate, Derek told this reporter to fuck off, which we have been informed is now apparently just something people say to Derek-adjacent personnel, and we apologize to our readers for the language but the editor said “print it, it’s authentic.”
• STILL MISSING: Anyone with information on the whereabouts of a vessel last seen heading toward the old Seahawk Bay charts — believed to be carrying a local stepfather and his daughter on what family friends called “a long-overdue fishing trip and an even longer-overdue conversation” — is asked to contact the Harbor Master. Blind Corp asks that you contact Blind Corp first.
• FALL FESTIVAL PLANNING COMMITTEE meets Thursday at 7 p.m. Agenda items include pie judging rules (Carol, please attend), parade float assignments, and a Blind Corp presentation titled “Precipitation: Friend or Friend?”
• HAWK JUICE™ UPDATE: Blind Corp regrets to announce that the regional rollout of Hawk Juice™ has been delayed again. Promotional signage must remain displayed. You will continue to want it.
• LOST & FOUND: Found — one Batman cowl, child-sized but stretched, near the cemetery gates. Sentimental value suspected. Owner may claim at the Gazette office. We hope he’s doing okay.
• CORRECTION: In last week’s edition, the Gazette reported that local radio program The Joy of Joiceville is hosted by Jill. The Gazette has been informed it is hosted by Jack. It has always been hosted by Jack. The Gazette regrets the error and has been asked to stop counting Jills.

The Joiceville Gazette reminds readers that everything is fine. Tune in to season three of life here in Joiceville — the water’s never been deader, er, better!